Sunday, February 5

Chuuch: Aretha's Super Bowl Boulder Holders

As they say in Jersey, "Allz I can say is, 'Ree-Ree, please keep your monumental footballs tucked tonight!'" Super Bowl time again! This would be my plea to my all-time favorite singer -- Aretha Franklin, The Queen of Soul -- regarding her complaint about tonight's Super Bowl entertainment line up not adequately showcasing Detroit talent.

Aretha Franklin will be among the Super Bowl entertainers. Um, Aretha, you're about the biggest thing to ever come out of Detroit (next to the SUV)... So why's your boob all twisted in a silver knot? Isn't there a pre-Game Motown-a-thon or something. (gag!)

I'm sorry, but I long ago OD'd on Motown. I mean, I respect the music of that era -- I'm so glad it existed and influenced the pop culture landscape. But dang:

  • At some point, we must put down the needle and stop screeching on Cloud Nine. Whit didn't show a tit. Of course, she no longer has any...
  • At some point, we just can't keep putting Mary Wilson in the position of having to catfight Dirty Diana. Dirty Diana can't keep beatin' down Mary Wilson for the mi-cro-phone!
  • And at some point, we must turn Smokey's relentless cooing of the words "Baby, Baby" over to Ooh Baby, Awww Baby.  It's singer-songwriter Ashanti, nawww Baby., whose yawn-inspiring writing is filled with more "Baby, Babys" than even Smokey's.
  • In other words, these people are tired of singing these 40-year-old songs. Almost as tired as some of us are of hearing them.

    This is precisely why I was the only person in America who missed the most memorable moment ever in Super Bowl history. I missed Janet Jackson's star-spangled nipple. I'm still numb from the oversight. (Or was it an undersight?)

    See, Janet was singing a medley of OLD SONGS right before she and Justin Timberlake popped that infamous A piece of Janet Jackson !! Because when these same old singers start digging too deeply in the old vault, I take it as a cue to start doing more interesting things. Like monitoring my toenails for evidence of toe jam. Bored stiff and annoyed that old-ass Control was being lip-synched at me, I looked away from the TV for just a moment and -- bloop! I missed tit. I mean, "it!"

    So dearest Aretha, do not have an on-air hissy tonight. Try to keep them big ol' Mamma Jammaz outta sight. Aretha Franklin Unlike with little Janet, the boys on the field do not have helmets hard enough to survive a release of your Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders.

    And please do not go all Kanye on us, going off script with shocking statements like, "The NFL president doesn't like Motown 45 RPM disc. ". Or old people. Or whatever. This just couldn't be true.

    You're there. And they don't get much older than the blue-eyed soulful Rolling Stones.

    So Aretha, recognize:

    You're All We Need to Get By!

    The Queen of Soul!

    Note to Mick: Don't you dare unzip your pants! Dirty Old Men Flashing your wrinkled weeny will not boost your sagging album sales. Don't believe it? Awww Mick Jagger will be the last dancing baby tonight., just ask Janet.

    PS -- Go Bears!!! (Or whomever.)

    Clicks to Miles Davis catalog, but explore as you like


    Anonymous UDAMAN said...


    Now THAT was quite a mouthfull!!! lol!


    1:04 PM  
    Blogger Viqi French said...

    lol. i know, i'm getting outta hand. but i'll never get over missing that janet jackson stunt. it will forever mark the super bowl.

    5:43 AM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Funny as hell!! LOL Thankfully, Miss Franklin did not try to whip a Janet out on us.

    1:20 PM  
    Blogger Viqi French said...

    yes, everyone was surely waiting for something "eventful" to happen with the Superbowl entertainment. janet definitely made history and set an expectation.

    3:12 PM  

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