Saturday, February 18

I see freaky people

What the hay-yell are you teaching YOUR children?
Ever trip off of your introduction to sex? Did your parents give it to you straight? Or did they send you deviant signals by making up ish like this?

  • I was about six when I overheard my mother and the lady next door discussing a rape that had occured in a nearby alley. All in their business and trying to keep up, I asked what "rape" meant. This was my mother's way of explaining the concept: "It means a man took a rake and raked leaves off a woman's body." And she demonstrated it -- raking -- so I could really get the picture. This boy looks ill to me, weirding out with that rake.
  • Another time, when the neighbor's son and I rummaged through shopping bags tucked in the back seat of my mother's car, we found some big old, spongy cone-shaped underwearish things. Sort of like this: Funny, she don't look like my mommie.  But those tittie cones sure look familiar... When she returned to the car, I sat in the back seat waving both of her white, cone-thingys in the air. "Mama. What are these for?" I asked coyly. She broke it down Like a Virgin. "I use 'em to bake cakes," she said, not really making eye contact. My boy and I knew what was up with the bra cups. But why? She hadn't exactly missed the bosom boat. I let her off the hook though.
  • My friend D's story was whack, too. Her mother warned her about letting a boy stick his "raw meat" inside her. So D. feared any boy who might try to get at her like this: All you freaks wear raw meat! I wonder where D thought the boys hid the ham, say during Geography. Teacher's pet
  • Another childhood friend, R., jogged my memory a few months ago about the hysteria that gripped the girls at our grade school: people we called charm molesters. Heard of them? Would he be 'magically delicious'?

...And you wonder why everyone seems uniquely throwed. At least medium-rare.

Clicks to Miles Davis catalog, but explore as you like


Blogger Inside Man said...

My older brother ruined all the sugar coating by be brutally honest and bringing girls to the house. So I was the kid looking through the key whole or my brothers bed room window.

5:03 PM  
Blogger Viqi French said...

c-lawd have mercy, kg. sure hope your big brother knew his way around down there. otherwise, you may have had as much to learn as we did. lol

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I lub you, you know that, right? LOL

Hate to be a nag, but when's the publish release date???

(I blog on Yahoo 360, same name)

1:20 AM  
Blogger Viqi French said...

hey Tigrrr,
i didn't know you were blogging. you know i'll check ya' out! :-)

10:58 AM  
Blogger Brandon said...


2:31 AM  
Anonymous keithpulliingteeth said...

This is one of my favorite conversations, too. Mostly, it was my sisters who were told the really wild stuff by my Moms. My Pops mostly teased me when it looked like I was crushing on little girl. Taught me er'thing I know.

5:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was told a lot a freaky shit too but figured out how to work it regardless. ha-ha-ha

5:36 AM  
Blogger Georgiapeach said...

My only "sex talk" with my mother went like this: You and a guy are going to be kissing and then he is going to try to touch on your vagina but don't let him, and he is going to ask you to grab on his penis but don't do it.

That was it. I was already fast so the talk wasn't effective at all. Great post. I am going to talk to my children as soon as they show signs of curiousity. If only someone would have talked to me....

10:15 AM  
Blogger Lili said...

My mother gave me a book that showed two cartoonish people, naked rubbing thier bodies up and down and back and forth. They had those little wiggle, squiggle marks around them as if they were moving or creating friction. The book then wenton to describe a woman's orgasm as something similar to a sneeze....

To this day whenever I sneeze I think of sex....

8:19 PM  
Blogger Viqi French said...

hey Georgia,
well at least your mom said the word "vagina". lol she at least had some sense of reality to share.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Viqi French said...

ha-choo! that is funny as hell. now you have given me the curse. whenever i sneeze, i'll remember this.

p.s. -- that book with the "friction marks" sounds hilarious. but i guess there's sort of something to the sneeze comparison. strange...

7:28 AM  

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